Sometimes when we communicate, we expect the other person to be on the same wavelength and to understand what we are thinking – in most cases, they aren’t and they don’t.
We have a tendency to ask half questions and forget that the rest of our thinking is still in our heads.
If that sounds confusing, here is an example:
PERSON ONE
There's not enough money in the account - did you spend some?
PERSON TWO
What do you mean there's not enough?
PERSON ONE
Have you been spending it again?
PERSON TWO
I don't know what you're talking about?
PERSON ONE
Have you taken money out of the account?
PERSON TWO
Why?
PERSON ONE
What did you buy?
PERSON TWO
OMG - what is your problem!?
PERSON TWO
What do you mean there's not enough?
PERSON TWO
I don't know what you're talking about?
PERSON TWO
Why?
PERSON TWO
OMG - what is your problem!?
This sort of conversation can be very typical between couples – we want to avoid it.
Imagine if partners took turns explaining their thoughts while the other person focused on understanding.
With a little structure, conversations don’t need to be so hard.
By using defined speaker-listener roles, conversations can be more productive and arguments limited.
This process can take a while to feel natural or become second nature, but it is effective and definitely worth a go.
Read through ‘How it works’ (below) fully before trying it out.
How it works
The speaker and listener roles are distinct – sticking to the different roles is critical for the success of the discussion.
START
by selecting one topic or a shortlist of topics, that you and your partner agree to discuss and stick to.
NEXT
one person will start the conversation as the speaker while the other person listens without comment or interruptions.
NEXT
one person will start the
conversation as the speaker while
the other person listens without
comment or interruptions.
AFTER
the speaker is free to talk until they feel like they have said what they want. This may only take a few minutes and shouldn’t take longer than ten minutes.
AFTER
the speaker is free to talk
until they feel like they have said
what they want.
This may only take a
few minutes and shouldn’t take
longer than ten minutes.
The speaker is the only person who is speaking at one time, and the listener actively listens while the speaker explains their feelings and position.
If you’re struggling to take turns, using a ‘talking stick’ can be helpful – and can be a bit of fun! This is when the person who has the stick does the talking and passes it on when they are finished.
Active listening role
Listening is often thought of as a passive role, but it is actually an active process and hard work.
The idea is to listen without interruption while showing that you are paying attention at the same time.
There are lots of things to consider, not just the words being said but also the feeling that is being expressed.
Responding to what the other person is saying through positive body language is an important part of active listening. It shows the other person you are paying attention.
Here are a few ways you can respond through positive body language:
Keep your arms unfolded - crossed arms can show lack of interest.
Try leaning in a little.
Nod if you agree.
Use minimal encouragers such as: "mmhmm" "sure" or "okay".
Be aware of your facial expressions.
Keep arms relaxed - hands behind your head is often used as a power position.
Wait your turn.
Monitor your own behaviour and make sure you don’t confuse listening with waiting for your turn.
If you find yourself having a strong desire to respond before your turn (perhaps because you can see where the conversation is going and already know what to say), try and focus solely on what your partner is trying to communicate. Stay open to the idea that their perspective is real and valid – even if you see it differently or disagree.
Active speaking role
When you’re speaking it is most effective to use ‘I statements’ to talk about your feelings. It avoids language that can imply blame or judgement and focuses on the facts.
For example
Less effective:
You always take our money and spend it on stupid things.
Effective:
I don’t like it when we dip into our savings. Every time we go out we are spending money and we just don’t seem to be saving like we used to.
Body language is important for the speaker as well.
Your choice of words, tone and body language will all be interpreted as part of the message you trying to get across.
Find more information about body language and facial expressions here.
Let's see it in action
We’ll use the example from above to illustrate the active speaking and active listening model of conversation.
The speaker starts:
SPEAKER
I don’t like it when we dip into our savings. Every time we go out we are spending money and we just don’t seem to be saving like we used to.
LISTENER
Hmm ok, so you are worried about our savings and you think we are spending too much?
Here the listener is identifying a feeling and querying if they have identified it correctly.
Speaker – If your partner doesn’t quite grasp what you are trying to say, clarify and expand some more until they do. Think about the feeling identified and acknowledge if it was correct or not, if that’s helpful.
SPEAKER
I’m not really worried, I’m just frustrated - we talked about going on holiday and it seems like we will never have the money for it.
LISTENER
So you are saying you are frustrated that we might not go on our holiday because we are not saving very well.
LISTENER
So you are saying you are frustrated that we might not go on our holiday because we are not saving very well.
Listener – don’t worry if the suggested feeling (worried) wasn’t correct – it still opens up the opportunity for the speaker to reflect on the feeling they want to convey so they can express it more clearly. This method is about understanding each other, so there is no need to defend any views, but rather mirror back what is said to show you clearly understand.
The speaker can then say if they feel like they have been properly understood.
SPEAKER
Yeah, I guess I just want us to budget better.
LISTENER
Ok I get that, so maybe we review our budget? I just want to make sure we can still have some spending money.
LISTENER
Ok I get that, so maybe we review our budget? I just want to make sure we can still have some spending money.
Now it’s the listener’s turn to respond from their perspective or choose a topic and discuss – using the same process.
LISTENER
Do you want to look at the budget and make a plan for spending and saving?
SPEAKER
Yeah that would be good.
LISTENER
Ok, let's do that.
SPEAKER
Yeah that would be good.
This method of safe and defined speaker/listener roles can serve as a great starting place to ensure all parties are heard.
However, as time goes on, the process will become less rigid so you can find your unique way to express, listen and move forward.
Notice in the conversation, the couple discussing their spending didn’t actually get things sorted straight away, they just needed to start a constructive conversation.
They didn’t even change their spending, however, they were both able to express their concerns, feel understood, and agree to review their budget.
This kind of conversation will be hard at first and may not always achieve the result you hope for.
That’s OK – the point is to start talking to understand each other’s point of view so that you can work together.
If things get heated, take a break, reschedule and try again – focus on the problem, stick to the facts and try to understand the feelings.
At the end of the discussion, if it feels like there is an opportunity, it can be useful to share some positive thoughts about the discussion.
For example
You had some good points I didn't think of.
It was good to have that conversation and hear your thoughts.
That was really useful - let's keep talking about these things.
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“It is great to have the strategies and challenges come together so that you are learning together, sharing together and discovering together”
– Toolkit user
Disclaimer
The information, content and materials provided in our Healthy Financial Relationships Toolkit is for general informational purposes only and does not take into account the financial situation and/or particular needs of any person. Before making important financial decisions, you should seek professional advice if possible. This Toolkit contains links to other third-party websites. Such links are only for the convenience of the reader, user or browser. Good Shepherd NZ and AUT do not endorse the contents of third-party sites.
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