Conversations about money are an important part of any healthy relationship. We explore financial wellbeing and what to consider when discussing money with your partner.
Achieving and maintaining a healthy financial status in a relationship is not always an easy task.
Money for many Kiwis is a ‘taboo’ subject that is well known to cause relationship stress.
Becoming comfortable about money is a journey, and every relationship is different – there is no one size fits all solution.
While much of the information below is based on relationships between men and women, it’s relevant to most relationship situations.
“It was hard to start with, we both had different views on spending and saving and what was important.
“But when we talked about our plans and future together, we managed to get on the same page and things made more sense.”
Understanding your own relationship with money
We all have personal perspectives on money and how it should be used.
Answering the questions below may provide some insight into the way you relate to money.
- How is money valued in your family / culture?
- How open are you / your family to talk about money?
- Are expectations in your family different for men and women around money – how?
- Who handled the finances when you were growing up?
- Do you see money as good, bad, or just necessary?
- Did your parents treat you and your siblings the same, where money was involved?
- What has influenced your view of money the most?
- Should money be saved or spent?
- What would you consider to be a luxury item?
- What are your thoughts around debt?
Comparing your answers with your partner’s can help identify similarities, differences and areas that need to be clarified or negotiated before you make financial decisions.
“We never had much money and we struggled at the beginning – we had to keep an open mind and focus on our relationship.”
Money and your relationship
Transitioning from being single to a relationship can sometimes blur the lines of how money should be spent.
As individuals, the way we engage with money is influenced by many factors including gender norms, culture, life experiences and so on.
Therefore, it’s no surprise that emotions such as happiness, power, love, success and self-worth are also closely linked to the way we relate to money.
Add to that, two people with different backgrounds, values and goals; no wonder so many of the challenges couples face are about money.
What can you do to help define money in your relationship?
Make a plan together
It is easy to overspend or be carefree with money in a relationship, especially if there is no budget, shared financial goal or plan in place.
Arguments and resentment can become common in this environment, impacting on intimacy and increasing the risk of economic abuse, and relationship breakdown.
Having a financial plan in place can create mutual respect that can strengthen relationships.
Transparency is needed for this to work, which means full disclosure on income, expenses, spending habits, debts etc.
Consider these elements when making your financial plan:
Work together to design, agree and develop a money management plan.
Be realistic and prepared to compromise.
Discuss who will be responsible for what.
Celebrate financial achievements.
Have regular conversations to keep both parties focused.
Allocate money for bills, spending and romance.
Hold each other responsible for agreed actions.
Include an emergency plan for the unexpected.
Value every contribution
In most relationships one partner makes more money than the other and when we only count dollars, value is obvious.
But what about the non-financial responsibilities within a relationship such as being the primary carer, doing household chores/maintenance, managing the accounts and doing family tasks?
These have value so how will they be included or shared – will everything be spilt 50/50, or proportionally based on income and tasks?
These can be quite complex questions, that when ignored, overlooked or minimised can have a significant impact on the relationship.
By sharing the task of financial planning these issues can be discussed, negotiated and addressed.
“Taking turns looking after our children meant I quickly worked out the value of being a carer and doing household tasks.”
Talking about money with your partner
Many issues in relationships are linked to the way we communicate our needs; so open honest and respectful communication plays a large role.
Financial conversations are just as important as any other relationship conversation, and the sooner they happen, the more successful things are likely to be.
Setting the scene
All couples benefit from talking about money, whether they just met, are in a long-term committed relationship, are experiencing financial stress, or doing well.
However, before launching into a conversation there are a few things to consider:
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The power of language
There is power in language – including words and how they are used, tone, body language, facial expressions etc. To have an open conversation, it needs to be non-confrontational and not personal.
Be aware of judgement language – the word “you” can imply blame; “should” can suggest something’s wrong and that another perspective is right; “always” can be heard as extreme and not allowing for different behaviour to be acknowledged.
Words like “hate, abusive, useless, angry” contain strong emotions that can trigger negative reactions. Even the way a sentence begins can have a huge impact, for example; saying “we need to talk,” can heighten feelings of uncertainty and worry.
Honesty, however, can be effective, especially when using “I statements” – acknowledge that the topic is difficult, and explain your feelings and concerns in a non-threatening way.
“I thought it would be easy, I was brought up in a family that budgeted, and I guess I just assumed everyone would do the same – I was wrong”
Conflict in relationships is normal – and ok as long as it’s constructive, and couples work together to navigate issues that arise. Transparency is key – remember you don’t know what you don’t know.
There are always power imbalances within relationships so the challenge is about finding balance, where both parties are feeling included and valued.
Finishing a conversation
When conversations come to an end, be clear about what has been agreed to (if anything), by whom, and any plans to review, or timeframes agreed.
“We would argue a lot about money – it was stressful! We saw things so differently, but we could agree on some things, so we started with them….”
There are important differences between normal relationship money challenges and economic harm, and you can find useful information about economic harm here.
Our Debt Coaches are here to support you if you are experiencing financial difficulty. Our Debt Coaches are trained in advocacy and understand the impact of economic harm.
If you are concerned about economic harm or want to talk to someone about the money side of your relationship, please call one of our Debt Coaches on 0800 466 370.
If you suspect economic harm is occurring, other forms of family violence may also be present. Family violence agencies are best placed to work with you to establish whether other forms of abuse re occurring in your relationship and we would encourage you to call one of the agencies listed at the bottom of our economic harm page.
Nicholson, K. (2020). Healthy Financial Relationships. Unpublished Manuscript
Sanders, S. (2015). Strong Beginnings: Financial Equals. WIRE: Melbourne. Retrieved from https://www.wire.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/Strong-Beginnings-Final-Report-2015.pdf).
Scott, A. (2019). Healthy financial Relationships. Lecture Week 12 s2 [mp3] Retrieved from AUT University