This is Connie’s story, edited to keep her safe and help you read. Quotes are Connie’s own words. Names have been changed.

When I met James, I had a good job in the medical sector and was living at home with my mum and nana. I was growing my savings.

“I was pottering along and doing well. And, because I was working and living at home at that time, I was saving a lot.”

We met through his family. His sister was a friend of mine and I knew his mum too. He started paying attention to me over time, talking about how great I was. He was a very fun and very popular person, and it was amazing to hear that he felt lucky to have me. I was so excited when we decided to get married. We had the same values and wanted the same things for our future.

Very soon after the wedding James had new ideas for his future. He wanted fewer children than we had talked about, and he said he would be away from home a lot. He had never mentioned this before. Being alone in a relationship would have been a deal breaker for me.

“Within the first six months of being married, I was in debt. It felt like being mugged — like you’ve been stood over by your husband and he’s saying ‘I need your card. I need to take your card’.”

He started to demand money from me. If I hesitated, he would say I wasn’t a good partner and threaten to leave. I found that really difficult because I didn’t want to be a failure.

In the early days of our marriage, I had a good job and a healthy savings account. When we had our first child, I stopped working so I could take care of the baby. As my money dried up, my husband started to take out credit — in my name. Any debt was taken on in my name. I knew this and I signed on to things because if I didn’t, he would get angry and scream or do things like driving dangerously on purpose when me and the baby were in the car.

“It’s so much easier to give in than to go through whatever is going to happen to you from saying no.”

We both went on the benefit after I stopped working. Half of the money coming in went into my account and half went into his. He expected my half to cover our rent and anything the children needed. He would have the newest phone and nice shoes, and I didn’t have money to put credit on my old phone or buy formula for the baby. His family noticed the differences in how we were living, and they would sometimes give money to me or the kids. My parents help me out too, paying for appointments or clothes for the children.

I think this family support was part of why he insisted we move to Australia. The physical and economic abuse got much worse when we moved to Darwin. I wasn’t allowed to call my family.

“Basically, he was like ‘I will destroy you. No one will ever want you. I’ll make sure you have no relationships and I’m not going to stop until you kill yourself’.”

In the wake of the marriage, I was left with masses of debt, including an overdraft and credit-related bills that I just couldn’t budge. My ex-husband is working but gets paid under the table, so he doesn’t have to report his earnings or pay child support.

The stress caused by the debt has been huge. It was feeling totally unmanageable until I learned about Good Shepherd. They helped me get an overdraft wiped, got my debt consolidated, and offered me an affordable loan so I can pay things off slowly.

My main goal is to get back to the life I was living before I met my ex. Ever since we were married, I have lived in poverty, which wasn’t the case before. I’m in a support group with women who have been through similar experiences. I keep telling them, and myself, that we just have to get through this. It’s scary but I know things will be better.

“Even though I’m so much better off than when I was with him, I’m still not out of that hole he dug for me because I don’t have any savings. I hope one day that will change.”

This is Amber’s story, edited to keep her safe and help you read. Quotes are Amber’s own words. Names have been changed.

I have two boys — age 8 and 12 — who both have special needs. It has been a year since I left my marriage of 18 years. Throughout our relationship, John used control and deception to stop me accessing money. It started with him questioning my ability to manage money, and built to the point where I had no access to my money and he was actively increasing my debt.

In the years before meeting him, I worked in the creative industries with a successful career. I was financially independent and self-sufficient in a senior role.

We met through mutual friends. He seemed outgoing and motivated, and any doubts I had about him shrank away with promises that he would take good care of me. A few months later he suggested we move in together to save for our own place

“It wasn’t until I met him that I actually started to feel like I was bad with money.”

He started questioning me about how I spent and managed money. He said I was bad at managing it. I never had problems managing money before, but over time I started to think I needed his help.

He worked in a bank. He suggested we set up a joint account and have him manage our finances so we could buy a house.

My husband’s control and abuse escalated. If I bought anything — even a coffee at work — he would call and berate me so loudly that other people could hear. I wasn’t allowed to buy anything for our children without his permission, and if I needed to, I was frightened about what he would do.

“I never knew what money we had because he took control of that, and he dictated how much money we had. So, if wanted to buy something it was never simple.”

He set up multiple bank accounts, including six for the mortgage. He would move money between them every day, so it was almost impossible for me to understand. He restricted my access to our accounts. He became aggressive if I asked what was happening with our money.

We were both earning good salaries, but he insisted we had no money and I was in “fuckin’ la la land” if I thought differently.

He set up a personal bank account without telling me. He called it ‘Car Loan’ and put all of his money into it. My salary paid for the mortgage and bills, and any leftover money was moved into the fake car loan account for him to spend. I didn’t know our real car loan was not being paid.

As our relationship began to fall apart, my husband moved into the sleepout. He abused me constantly, regularly sending threatening texts saying I would never get the children or the house.

“My mental health just could not cope with what was going on. He was taunting me, sending me abusive messages. It was the worst case of emotional abuse.”

The stress was overwhelming. I felt suicidal and I ended up in hospital. During that time, he staged the house to make it look like I was an alcoholic and an
unfit mother. He took photos for a custody application and gained full custody of our children. I paid for a hair follicle test to prove his allegations were false.

When I left the relationship, I had nowhere to go, so I slept on the floor in my sister’s lounge for a month. I’m renting a two-bedroom house now. It’s an hour’s drive from the city where my children go to school. My weekly outgoings are more than I have coming in, so I rely on food parcels from Women’s Refuge and Love Soup, and handouts from family. My ex still won’t let me into the house to get my clothes or belongings. He kept joint assets like our furniture and car. I had to use my Kiwisaver to buy a car so I could get the kids to school.

I’m so grateful to Good Shepherd and Woven Earth for organising donated furniture so my boys and I now have beds. Having items like furnishings, plants and posters gives me a sense of hope, dignity and respect.

“It keeps me stuck where I am not able to move forward because he still dictates what’s happening with the house. He’s still got all my belongings.”

My ex-husband’s abuse and the challenges that come from it continue almost a year after I left the relationship. I sought legal advice to regain access to my children after he lied to government agencies about their safety and my competence as a parent. I care for our children more than half of the time, but he told the IRD he is their primary carer, so I am not entitled to child support. I cover the cost of their clothing, school and extracurricular activities, medical care, and counselling even though I earn a third of what he does. If I ask for money to help with these things he verbally abuses me.

He is also actively putting me further into debt. I pay half of the mortgage while he lives in the family home, but he changed the bank account details without telling me so I couldn’t pay and fell into arrears. He pays his half of the mortgage — it’s with the bank who employs him — but he refuses to pay any rates, bills or insurance for the house he is living in. He won’t talk with me about the sale of the house and is neglecting maintenance so it will decrease in value and he can buy my share at a reduced price.

His abuse and the situation I’m in have affected my mental health. I had to give up my well-paid job and I’m on the Jobseeker benefit. I have lost confidence, and I feel like I have PTSD.

I’m fighting for increased custody of my children, child support payments, access to my things, and to be able to sell the family home so I can untangle my finances from John’s and move on. He has the means to pay for a high-powered lawyer and I am relying on legal aid. The process is slow and difficult, but I will persist.

“[I want to] start using this experience to give me the courage to put myself out there, and not let this experience just bury me”.