Lillian works through the ripple effects of financial abuse

Starting over as a single mum after an emotionally and financially abusive relationship felt despairing. It was like everything was set up to disadvantage women like me. 

Good Shepherd helped me find a sense of control and my inner strength. Now I’m moving from surviving to thriving.

This is Lillian’s story, edited to keep her from being identified and to help you read. Quotes are Lillian’s own words. Names have been changed.

Before I reached out to Good Shepherd, my life felt like it was crumbling around me. I had just left a long-term abusive relationship and was starting over with my kids. It wasn’t until I was out of the relationship that I began to understand the full extent of what had happened — how my ex had controlled my ability to earn money and build a career. At the time, I thought it was normal or even my fault.

“I tried to do research about what happens to women after they leave an abusive relationship where there is financial abuse. It was so sad. Men get richer and women get poorer. I knew it’s systemic and not me, but it was hard to not say I should be better and I should have not gotten myself into this.”

Suddenly I was a solo mum with no income and a mountain of trauma to work through — both mine and my children’s. The house we lived in, which I co-owned with my ex, started falling apart. The shower leaked, the dishwasher and washing machine broke down and the car battery died. I couldn’t afford to fix anything. The stress took its toll on all of us. 

As I struggled to keep things afloat, I was also fighting against systems that seemed designed to punish rather than support single mothers. The stigma was overwhelming — people would wonder why I wasn’t coping better or why I hadn’t “bounced back” after leaving the relationship.

“It felt like nobody understood what it was like to be a single mum in an abusive relationship. I didn’t even understand what it was like to be there…the experience of it was really, really hard to explain, even to myself.”

I’ll never forget the relief I felt after that first call with Good Shepherd. Apart from the Women’s Refuge, they were the first people who listened. They didn’t judge. They didn’t ask how I had ended up in my situation or why I couldn’t just fix it myself. Instead, they asked, ‘How can we help you?’

Good Shepherd helped me in so many practical ways. They provided an interest-free loan to cover the most urgent repairs. They also helped me structure my finances to make things more manageable. For example, my benefits were paid weekly, but my mortgage came out monthly, which created constant stress. Lynda, the person I worked with at Good Shepherd, suggested I switch to weekly mortgage payments. It was such a simple change, but it made a big difference.

She also helped me understand my spending without making me feel bad. When I was too depressed to cook, I’d buy takeaways, which some people might criticise. Lynda just got it. She said things like, ‘If there is one way you can take a bit of pressure off yourself’. That empathy meant the world to me.

After working with Good Shepherd, I finally felt a sense of control over my finances. Things were still tight, but the chaos eased. I could start making progress. Fixing the car, for example, wasn’t just about the car — it was a symbol for what I was capable of.

“If you can fix just one thing or multiple things, you get that sense of, ‘I can do this, and then I can do the next thing.’ To be able to fix something, it changes your thinking about your whole situation. It’s not so despairing anymore.”

Today, my life looks very different. After years of legal battles, I finally secured the house in the separation. I’ve been working to repair and improve it.

I also found a job that I love. It’s the sort of work that is meditative and healing for me and feels true to who I am — it’s helping me reclaim parts of myself that were lost in the relationship. It doesn’t pay much though, and sometimes I struggle with this tension.

“When I was thinking about work, there were two conflicting values. I really, really needed money. Money was so key to rebuilding my life…I could see if I stayed on the benefit I just wouldn’t progress. I would never really be or feel independent. On the other hand, I really valued work that really felt like me.”

Looking ahead, I hope to move from just surviving to building a life I truly enjoy. I want to continue creating stability for my kids and myself. One day, I’d love to explore how I can help other women who are going through what I’ve been through. I wish there was more understanding of what women go through when they experience financial abuse. We need more organisations like Good Shepherd, who can help us get through when everything feels dark.

“[Good Shepherd] was like a light that came in for me who said, ‘Yes. This is really hard — but we get it, and you can do it’. It gave me some footing. It gave me hope I could get out of this situation.”